Anatomy of a Type 8: You’re Not the Boss of Me!

Type Eights are the challengers, the intense, high energy go-getter types. While they can seem slightly intimidating, inside they have hearts that are just as soft as anyone’s, they just don’t want you to know it.

Today I’m continuing the exploration of the Enneagram with my type 8 friend, Stacie Helm and my type 8 sister-in-law, Ashley Laymon. Stacie is a mom to four kids, a nurse and is currently pursuing a masters in Global Public Health Nursing. Ashley is a fun-loving aunt to my two kids. She is currently getting ready to move to Scotland as a missionary. As you will see, Eights, like Sevens, take a big bite out of life. Eights have “an unapologetic attitude toward the quest for pleasure,” according to Beatrice Chestnut in The Complete Enneagram. In a bit, Stacie and Ashley will share their inner experience of what being an Eight is like.

If you’re new around here and/or new to the Enneagram, check out my overview of the Enneagram here. You’ll also find links for other Enneagram Types.

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Let’s dig in.

 

Defining Characteristics of a Type Eight

Eights are intense, energetic, initiative-takers. They need to brush up close to life in order to feel like they have a place in it.

Eights lust after intensity – they are high-voltage human dynamos who want to be wherever the action and energy are, and if they can’t find any, they’ll cook it up.

– Ian Cron, The Road Back to You

Eights have a need to appear strong. They do not like to be controlled and they do not let their guard down easily. They’ll pick a fight with you, not because they don’t like you, but primarily because they do like you. Challenging is the way they connect with the world.

Richard Rohr puts it this way:

Eights fight as a way of making contact. We call it “confrontational intimacy.” They often don’t understand how this kind of contact frightens others. Because they enjoy struggles, conflict, and confrontation, they think it’s the same for others. They don’t notice that their blows go below the belt and are often hard to endure. Their delight in attacking, which they perceive as “playful,” often strikes others as aggressive behavior, but it is actually a form of establishing contact.

– The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective

Eights will protect their loved ones to no end. They will fight to protect the underdogs, the weak, and the down and out. They have a heart for every vulnerable being, but they deny their own vulnerability, deeming it shameful and weak and fearing it makes them prone to attack. The truth is that underneath all their protective armor, Eights have a heart every bit as vulnerable and needy as anyone else.

Eights need to learn to reconnect and embrace their vulnerability and innocence again. They need to be able to see their own hearts and learn to live openly and vulnerably. They need to trust that they will be cared for and protected. By opening their hearts they can finally let others in.

Core Desire: To be strong, to protect themselves, to be in control of their own life

Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled

Driving Motivation: An Eight’s anger and passion cannot be missed and it is their primary motivator in life that drives them to protect themselves and fight for what matters to them.

Main struggles: Vulnerability, trust, pushing others away, coming off too harsh or blunt.

Main focus: Power, control, justice

Key traits: Outspoken, intense, willing to confront others, often leaders in their field, can be intimidating, direct, confident, rebellious, dominant, and insensitive. While Eights may appear angry,

The actual energy of Eights is not anger or rage, although sometimes it can seem that way. Rather it is a passion and a total commitment to truth, life, and justice. It is a passion for the cause they believe in, or the people for whom they feel responsible.

– Richard Rohr, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective

Gifts to the world: Their strength, protection, and passion are true gifts to others, especially the weak or down and out. The Enneagram Institute says this to Eights:

Your real power lies in your ability to inspire and uplift people. You are at your best when you take charge and help everyone through a crisis.

Invitation to growth: Eights must learn to connect with their hearts, practice vulnerability in relationships, and see that their own heart’s need for care and understanding. They need to learn mercy for themselves, first of all, so that they can see and accept their own weakness, and as they learn this, extend that mercy to others. Ian Cron has this to say to Eights:

…living behind a facade of bluster and toughness to mask one’s fear of emotional harm is cowardly, not courageous. Risking vulnerability and love is what takes courage.

– The Road Back to You

From the Source: Being a Type 8

To better understand the inner life of Type Eights, I asked Ashley, my sister-in-law, and Stacie, my friend, to share their experiences as Eights and how they are using the Enneagram as a tool for growth in their lives.

Describe how being a type 8 is for you.

Stacie:

I would say being an 8 is intense and all-encompassing. I see it driving everything I do. Knowing I am an 8 has really opened my eyes to the why behind my actions. There is a reason I am so driven and take on so much. I can’t just make a bedtime and go to bed. I have to go until I can’t stay awake any longer. I love to sleep in large amounts (the 8 excessiveness coming through), though it’s been >9 years since that was a reality. When I start reading, I can’t stop and have to have all the books in a series RIGHT NOW. Eating candy is a dangerous endeavor. I had my 4th baby in March 2015 and started grad school that September. My mind said I needed to be stimulated so I went back to school. I believe I can do it all and will not even contemplate that I can’t. That would be vulnerability and we have a hard time acknowledging that we are ever vulnerable. Brene Brown’s work has been so helpful to me in that.

Ashley:

Growing up I was classified as bossy and I felt I needed to be the one in charge and often felt I was, with children and adults. If someone wasn’t fit for leadership in my eyes I would take over. About 6 years ago when I was introduced to the Enneagram I was an angry woman who, on the outside, didn’t care what people thought of me and had the appearance of not caring about anyone.

As I have gotten older and life has thrown it’s curve balls I have learned that I needed to make a choice. Continue to harden myself from friends and family or realize that relationships are important and that vulnerability is probably the biggest strength someone can have.

How did you come to know about the Enneagram and how did you know you were an Eight?

Ashley:

I came to know the Enneagram through a couple of friends. They were talking about this test and they pegged me as an 8 pretty easily. Being my challenging self I took the test to see if they were correct or if I could prove them wrong. They began to ask me questions (they had a book with different sections for each type) and I began to laugh at each question because of the accuracy with which it described me. 

After finding out that I am an 8 it felt like a weight was taken off of my shoulders, knowing there are other people out there like me and that there are other women who perceive the world as I do.

Stacie:

Two of my favorite authors/bloggers/podcasters introduced me to Enneagram initially—Tsh Oxenreider and Shauna Niequist. Then a third, Anne Bogel, wrote a book entitled Reading People: How Seeing the World through the Lens of Personality Changes Everything. There was a section on Enneagram in there and that was my first foray into really learning about it.

I spent some time reading through all the personality type descriptors. It was pretty obvious to me that I was an 8. I had read that was the best way to determine which type you are. I did take one of the tests eventually which just confirmed what I already knew.

What bothers you most about being a type 8?

Ashley:

The assumptions that others have about who I am and that I have a difficult time expressing my gentler side.

Stacie:

Well, I don’t like that I often intimidate people without meaning too. The excessiveness of the personality trait is also distressing to me. I am constantly feeling that I need to work on moderation in all areas of my life while feeling an internal drive to do more.

I also struggle when communicating with other personality types as my directness can be perceived as insensitivity. I find for clarity it’s best to just cut to the chase and be very clear. It seems that can be hard on those with other personality types. I honestly have no idea what to do with that.

I also don’t like the anger. That has been a constant sore spot in my personality for me. It can be positive when fighting for justice and the vulnerable but more often than not it is something that grieves me.

What do you enjoy most about being a type 8?

Ashley:

The natural strength and courage to step into difficult or uncomfortable situations with an almost stupid amount of confidence.

Stacie:

I love thinking and feeling that I can do anything. I love that my persistence and drive have gotten me through so many hard things. I am happy with where I am in life and feel that being an 8 has helped get me here. I function well in my highly stressful field because I am an 8. Crises make me very focused. Emotions have no place in my goal setting and therefore don’t inhibit me from getting the thing done.

I think my kids benefit because I’m not afraid to let them try hard things. I don’t panic and as a result they are resourceful and independent and creative. I feel that I am very intuitive about people, knowing who is trustworthy. I feel that has protected me in so many ways throughout my life.

How do you see your Eight-ness affecting your closest relationships? Marriage? Kids? Friendships, etc.

Stacie:

One of the traits that 8’s have is a need to find sources of fulfillment, interesting people, and new challenging situations to master. As a result, when we first got married (before we knew about Enneagram), Ralph and I used to joke that our marriage was the only thing I was willing to commit to. Being married to a 2 “The Helper” means that when I believe I can do more than is humanly possible, I have someone right beside me to rescue me. Ralph and I grilled each other for two days about every subject under the sun before we agreed to try dating each other. We already knew we were attracted to each other, we just needed to know we could agree on the big things. I now see that was my 8 personality vetting his trustworthiness and his ability to lead in our home. Also, I had to teach him to fight with me. An 8 does not trust those who do not engage in conflict with them. He came out ahead and with me trusting him more.

I have one child with a very tender heart and sensitive spirit. This is a challenge for me as a parent because that much visible vulnerability sets off all sorts of emotional alarms for me. It makes me feel vulnerable which is not comfortable for me. I worry about her every time we enter a new situation. I get angry when she cries over things I consider ridiculous because that is how an 8 copes—anger. I hope I am growing through it, though. I am learning what “The Work” looks like as an 8.

Ashley:

I have a no bullshit type of attitude. In my workplace people know that they can come to me with any corrections I need to make (although they may be intimidated), and I will do my best to work on or change the thing that needs to be corrected.

In my female friendships, I have seen an openness and vulnerability among my female friends partially in response to my honesty, and partially because they know I am extremely loyal. My male friendships seem to be a bit easier for me to get along with them because there is no guessing where I am at or where they are at in the friendship. I have a very honest approach to things and if asked how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking I will tell you with little to no filter. I have been told that this is refreshing.

In what ways has the Enneagram been a useful tool for growth in your life?

Ashley:

The Enneagram has helped me understand that although I have a lot of things to work on in regards to spiritual and emotional growth I am not broken. On a deeper level, I spent the majority of my life seeing many others as weak. The Enneagram, along with other personality tests, has opened my eyes to the fact that each type has their own strengths and has taught me how to have a deeper mercy for others.

Stacie:

It has really opened my eyes to why I do so many things. I feel that I now have paths to follow to growth because I can deal with the why. I can better weigh choices and bring more discernment to my decisions.

It is giving me insight into my marriage and parenting. I can see how my 8-ness could totally overwhelm my husband’s 2-ness. I have the potential to run him into the ground with his desire to please and serve–in fact I know I have in the past. I now know I need to temper my excess to give him space and permission for his own self care. I cannot expect him to put up a hard stop like I would. I can focus on my protective instincts in this area of my life.

It has been useful as I contemplate finishing my degree and what I might want to do with it. As I understand myself better, I can better envision in what environments I will thrive in.

In what ways do you see your type reflected in your childhood?

Stacie:

I have such a classic 8 story from my childhood. I went through a year of significant bullying in the 5th grade. I did not have a nice class in this school and then due to district restructuring my class size tripled. I would come home crying almost every day and missed school occasionally due to my emotional distress over the day to come. My mom and I grew close as we desperately prayed for one friend. God brought me 2. At the end of the year, my parents were ready to pull all of us out the school and home school us due to this and multiple different problems in my siblings classes and school policies.

This is where my 8 kicked in. I requested they wait one more year. I needed to prove that I could thrive and survive. I now had 2 friends and were aware of others in my same situation. I spent my entire 6th grade year gathering up all the other misfits, fighting back against the bullies and “cool kids” (aka the other bullies), and protecting my new friends. I had a sense of purpose and vulnerable people to fight for. I proved I could do it and happily started homeschooling the next year.

Thank you, Ashley and Stacie, for sharing with us your inner world as a Type 8. 

Not a Type 8? Click on the respective links to explore types One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, and Nine.

A bit about my contributors:

Ashley Laymon is a firecracker whose main goal is to love people where they are the way Jesus would. She lives in Scotland working with a Christian organization aiming to bring community and unity to the people around her, and to share Jesus and life experiences with those she meets.

 

Stacie Helm has been married to her husband, Ralph, for 13 years. They have four children ages 9, 8, 6, and 3. Stacie is a nurse and has been working in health care for 22 years. She works full-time and goes to school part-time getting her Masters in Global Public Heath Nursing. She is a voracious reader and loves to cook, bake, crochet, knit, and sew. The Helms are big geeks and love all things Tolkien, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Marvel, Disney, and Pixar.