It’s Okay to Change Your Mind

My Discernment Journey Into and Out of my Dream Job


Last Spring, I took a job as the Executive Director for a local non-profit organization. I was so excited about this job, to the point that I was gushing: I was finally getting my “dream job”! I thought that I would be on this new path for years. And yet, only six months later, I resigned after my body issued a final confirmation in the form of a late night panic attack, affirming that this was not a sustainable position for me.

What happened in the short time between that sense of calling and the letter of resignation? What does it mean when we think we hear a call and say yes to something, only to later wonder if we have turned down the “wrong” path? These are questions I’ve been wrestling with in the last year. I’m sharing my story with you for a few reasons: 1) because I know some of you are curious, and 2) because I think this touches on important questions of discernment that many of us wrestle with. Questions like, “How do we discern God’s voice for our lives?” And, “What does it mean if we question what we thought was God’s calling or begin to sense a call away from it?” I cannot give you a full treatise on discernment. It’s a subject so deep and wide that I’ll not be an expert anytime soon, though I may continue writing about it as I have many thoughts after living this experience. Today, I just want to share what I have learned in my own story this last year. This is not meant to be prescriptive for your story, but perhaps it will give you something to talk about with God as you grow in discernment and face your own life-decisions.

Discerning My Yes

Before I took the position, I had entered into an intentional period of discernment using this booklet to guide my prayer, which I still highly recommend. Even well before the position had come available, I had been in a focused season of studying discernment and so when this opportunity came I felt pretty confident in my yes. I had consulted with my spiritual director, my therapist, my family and close friends, and of course, God in prayer, really weighing this decision. I knew that, in my excitement, I may not be seeing all that clearly and so I even looked for reasons why I should say no. At the end of the day, I heard God’s voice, saying yes, take the position. I also discerned a caveat. The one thing I knew that I needed to stay aware of was my own sense of well-being. I could not lose myself in this. I felt convinced that I should not let my health, well-being, or my family suffer because of a job.

The Path of Ongoing Discernment

I felt confident in my yes until warning signs began emerging even from the very first week. But I was convinced that this was “what God called me to” so I pushed those nagging signs away, determined to make it work. As time passed, the days I thought about quitting seemed to outnumber the good days. But those good days kept me hanging on, hoping things would get better. In one session with my therapist I asked her how would I know if and when it was time to leave since my heart and mind seemed to be fluctuating so much. “You’ll know,” is all she said to me. “Yeah, right, sure, okay,” I thought. It felt so unhelpful. But on one particular Monday, after “sitting down” for the first time that day at 8 pm and having endured a really hard day I wondered what it may feel like to draft a letter of resignation. Up until this point, I had resisted that urge, but on this day it felt irresistible. I opened a new Word document and began typing, with no real intention of actually submitting it. “What reason would I give,” I thought? “How do I explain this?” The words seemed to drop down from the sky: “This is not a good fit for me.” As soon as I heard these words they dropped down through my mind, deep into my gut, landing with a thud. This was truth. There was a sense of rightness, of gut knowing – this summed up everything I had experienced over the past months. I wrote the letter and I knew had to submit it. It was time.

Discerning My No

Even then, I waited some more. I decided to give myself a week, to really test this new discernment, walk around in it. The stakes felt high. I didn’t want to make this decision because of a bad day. In truth, it was the culmination of many bad days, but I still wanted to really be sure. A few days later I had a good day (although it might better be described as not-terrible) and thought, “Well, maybe this will work out. Maybe I should keep trying.” That very night, I woke up in a sweat. My heart was pounding and my breathing was shallow. I got up and tried to relax myself. I made myself some tea. I focused on my breathing, slowing it and deepening it. I was baffled. I had had a good day. Why was I having a panic attack? The next day, I called my therapist for an emergency session and told her about the resignation letter, my not-terrible day and how I was reconsidering the resignation, and my subsequent panic attack. “Maybe that was your body telling you no.” she said. “You began to reconsider and your body basically responded, “Hell no!” That felt so true. It made so much sense. Peace returned as I realized it truly was time.

Discernment Includes Changing Your Mind

I finally resigned a few days later and life/God continues to confirm my decision. What I have wrestled with is the discernment I engaged in when I accepted the position. What did I miss? Did I not discern well enough?

As I’ve wrestled with these questions, I’ve come to realize that discernment doesn’t end with a decision. We do the best with what we know at the time and make the best decision that we can. And just because I ended up resigning, doesn’t mean I wasn’t supposed to take it in the first place. I still do trust that God was very much with me as I made the decision and I can see that he stayed very much with me as I discerned to leave. I still wrestle with the fact that God doesn’t share our definitions of success. What I’ve come to know by experience is that he’s interested more in our wholeness than our success. And did I become more whole through this process? I absolutely 100% did.

Discernment: A Practice of Becoming

My intention for 2024 was to “Listen to my heart, and speak my truth” and this job became my main training ground. And I not only learned to listen to my heart, but to my whole body and soul. Discernment includes how God speaks “out there” – through Scripture, through community – and also how God speaks within us. Good discernment includes my body says and how it responds to its circumstances. Listening to my heart proved to be challenging as my emotions shifted back and forth and my heart so desperately wanted to make it work. Waiting, seeing, and living the experience was a part of my discernment process. Then, I had to speak my truth, which isn’t easy for someone who’s a chronic people-pleaser. I knew I would be disappointing many, but once I knew my heart, I couldn’t not speak my truth. I’m still sorting through the meaning of this experience, but I am confident that I became more of my true self because of this experience. I learned through this that discernment doesn’t end with decisions, but is an ongoing process for our whole lives. All the fairy tales of happily ever after I was raised on led me to believe that once you find your life partner, or once you have your kids, or once you land your dream job, then that is the will of God for your life, forever and ever. Amen. But life is in constant evolution, as are our souls. We learn new things by living them. And it’s okay to change our minds! We are not meant to live static, but free, and ever expanding, much like the universe we live in.

“I will be Who I will be” – Living in the Ongoing Adventure of God

I have been a part of a wonderful experience called Scripture Circles in which we are resourced with the ancient Jewish meanings of the text of the Old Testament. I have learned that the name Yahweh, which is the name God gives Moses for Himself in the book of Exodus actually something slightly different than than, “I am who I am.” The translation shows us that it’s a name given in a future tense, more like, “I will be who I will be.” The implications of this are profound. God is not a static, never-changing being, but Someone who is becoming, even evolving. And so are we, who are made in the image of God. We are ever learning, growing, and changing.

So it’s okay to change your mind! It is not a failure to listen to your life and learn new information about yourself or the world. It is deeply human and deeply wise. This does not mean I’m advocating that you change your mind on a whim or take a change of course lightly. Discernment is multi-layered and highly individual. And sometimes we are called to stay in a situation that we don’t love. There were many years that motherhood did not feel like a good fit for me, and yet, I did not leave my family. But sometimes we can forget that changing your mind is okay and sometimes part of the ongoing adventure of God. It has a place too.

I’d love to know what you have learned about discernment and/or what your trouble spots are? What has resonated with you here or brought up questions? Feel free to leave a comment. If you want to have a conversation, sign up for A Time to Connect. I’d love to talk with you.

P.S. Please don’t use my story as a shortcut for your own discernment. If you need assistance in discerning God’s direction, seek out a close friend or mentor who will listen well, ask good questions, and refrain from advice. A spiritual director can be also be an excellent companion in discernment. They will come alongside you and listen mostly. A good one will not tell you what to do or even give advice, but will teach you how to listen to your own voice and to God speaking to you within and around you so that you may make your own discernment with confidence and full agency. I have discovered that there is so much more I want to say about discernment. It is such a multi-layered practice that deserves more space than this so stay tuned.

P.P.S. One more thing that has emerged from my discernment through all this is a confirmation of my sense of call to the work of spiritual direction and I am more energized than ever to this work. I have space again for new directees so if this is something you’ve been considering, schedule an appointment with me. The first session is free and is an easy and informal way to see if spiritual direction is right for you.