Why the Enneagram Matters for Moms

The Enneagram matters for moms. It influences the way we operate in the world and how we shape the culture of our homes. Ultimately that influences the life experiences of our children. When we become aware of our strengths and our blind spots through the Enneagram, we can cultivate our awareness of the impact we have on our children. We can then create a safer, healthier and more positive environment for our children. We can also enjoy the journey of parenthood more fully as we learn how to cope with the aspects of parenting that grate on us.

Today I’m sharing how the Enneagram has impacted my motherhood journey. Then I’m walking you through how each type interacts with motherhood. I highlight the gifts each type brings as a parent, as well as potential weaknesses and blind spots. Finally, I offer invitations for growth for each type as it pertains to motherhood. But first I want to share another profound reason why the Enneagram matters for moms.

Fearfully, Wonderfully, Uniquely Made

The Enneagram not only reveals ourselves to ourselves, but also opens our eyes to the myriad of ways others operate in the world. My friend and new mom, Jessica helped me see how important this is when I posed this question on Facebook: “How do you see your Enneagram type affecting your parenting experience?” Jessica replied:

I’m still not 100% sure what type I am, but I imagine it would be thinking my daughter is the same as me and wanting to protect her the way I want to be protected. Having to remind myself that she is separate from me and a totally different person and has completely different needs.

I thought this was such a profound observation. It’s one that I certainly didn’t see right away as a new mom. As moms, we run the risk of projecting our needs, desires, priorities, even our very personalities onto our kids. It’s easy to think that our babies are a blank slate or to think that they are just like us. But sooner or later, our children send us a wake up call. They are their own person with different needs, wants, and preferences. The temptation is to dig in our heels and try to make them like us. We tend to think that our way of doing life is the right way. The Enneagram helps us understand that there are multiple ways of doing life. It shows us the variety of flavors of the human personality.

When we wake up to the beauty of our diversity, we can take a step back. We can observe and learn what our children need from us and parent not in an automatic and compulsive way, but in a more thoughtful way. A way that is attuned to the differences between us and open to the uniqueness of each of our children.

How My Type Has Affected my Motherhood Journey

When I became a mom, one of the many things that came as a shock is how much I idealized who I would be as a parent. I had so many ideas of what a good mom would look like and I felt very discouraged when I realized that I did not live up to the ideals in my head.

As I look back on this, I think my Enneagram Type played a part in this discrepancy and my ensuing disillusionment. As a Type 1 I looked to certain parenting books that I thought would tell me exactly what to do. When their methods didn’t work, I experienced a lot of anxiety about doing it wrong. I had to learn how to listen to my own voice and have compassion and grace for myself in new ways.

When I first started learning about the Enneagram, I was very curious about how other types experienced parenting and how their Enneagram number affected their parenting experience. So I decided to embark on a journey of learning about how the Enneagram affects the parenting experience. Some of these insights I gained with the help of Janet Levine’s book, Know Your Parenting Personality. Today I hope they will benefit you as you navigate your own motherhood journey.

How the Enneagram Types Influence Motherhood

Type Ones

Ones genuinely want to be a good mom. They bring high ideals and standards to their families. The gift of the One’s intuition guides the moral compass of their families and instills high ethical standards.

But children naturally bring mess, disorder and chaos wherever they go. They disrupt a One’s need for perfection or for things to go the way they think is right. They quickly and easily turn a One’s world upside down. Ones often feel a need to try to get their world back under their control and may tend to be overly controlling with their children. They can feel a lot of anger towards toward their kids for just being kids.

They can be ruthlessly harsh on themselves as a parent when they see their anger spill out. Ones also want to do parenting perfectly. They may be too hard on themselves when they don’t measure up to their level of perfection, ideals, or standards.

Invitation to Ones

Let your children teach you how to relax and play. Laugh with them as often as you can. Let them teach you grace for yourself when you feel you’ve gone overboard with your anger and that there is room for mistakes. Don’t “should” on yourself. Accept that it’s okay to be a “good enough” parent. Give yourself permission to take time away. Exercise to release tension and anger.

Type Twos

Type Twos can easily fall in love with being a mom, feeling like they have found their life’s purpose. Especially when their kids are young, the Two can find a lot of fulfillment as they pour themselves out for the benefit of their children. They also have an extraordinary ability for making their children feel special.

A Two’s temptation is to become too wrapped up in their children’s world and forget their own needs. They neglect the importance of setting boundaries for themselves to take care of themselves.

Twos might also feel challenged when needs beckon them from outside of the home and they are unable to meet those needs as they had previously done. They may feel torn, or simply overextend themselves and then either feel bitter, or just plain exhausted.

Invitation to Twos

Learn to set boundaries and say no, especially during the early years of raising your children. Learn to set up a time just for you to take care of yourself and recharge your batteries. Find an interest that’s just for you that doesn’t have to do with serving your kids, your family, your friends, or anyone else. Also look for ways that you may be fostering dependence in your children, rather than independence. Allow your children to exert their own strength in taking care of themselves at an age-appropriate level.

Type Threes

Threes bring energy and a sense of enthusiasm to motherhood. It’s important for them to have the image of being a good mother and they often are. They can help their kids realize their potential and achieve their goals.

However, the slowing down that children require of their moms can be excruciating for Type Threes. The Three’s schedule and important tasks all take second place now and compete with the demands of the little ones. Threes can fall into the trap of neglecting their children’s priorities for the sake of their own. They also struggle with big emotions and can have a hard time coping graciously with their children’s big emotions.

Type Threes may also struggle with getting the parenting thing right, not for the sake of getting it right like a One, but for the sake of looking like a good parent, looking like she has it all together.

Invitation to Threes

Let your children teach you how to slow down and pay attention. You will learn that the tasks will still be there and that they are not as important as they once seemed. Draw, play in the mud, and learn to do nothing with your little ones. Let them teach you how to just be. You may find a new sense of love where there you thought there would be nothing. Watch for impatience and breathe through it. Finally, watch your tendency to put too much pressure on your kids to achieve. Be aware of your inner taskmaster.

Type Fours

Fours have a natural ability to connect deeply with their children. According to Levine, “Parenthood eases their yearning for a sense of belonging.” Their gift to their children is that they can help them express and understand their hard-to-handle emotions.

Fours long so much for connection that they may overdo efforts to attach and connect with their children. They may also struggle with the feeling that they don’t have what it takes to be a good parent. They may overlook the positive things they bring to their children’s lives. Fours’ aversion to the ordinary and mundane of early childhood can also drive them crazy at times. Fours can also feel like there are too many people making too many demands on them. They can feel an emotional pull in too many directions and lose their sense of personal boundaries and inner balance.

Invitation to Fours

Identify the good you bring to your children and learn to count even the smallest connections. Remember that what feels like connection to you can feel like smothering to your children, so learn to be sensitive to their boundaries. Experiment with holding back before you jump in to praise, help, or go after them. Learn to find the beauty and meaning in the ordinary. Realize that you are connected to other moms all over the world by the simple act of child-rearing and find the beauty in this connection. Believe your children when they offer you appreciation.

Type Fives

Fives bring the power of their observations and the wealth of their intellectual powers to the parenting arena. They can teach their children how to think critically and deeply about things.

The struggle Fives face is becoming overwhelmed with the all-encompassing nature of parenthood and withdrawing too much in order to protect their time, space and energy. Fives have a legitimate need for preserving these resources so they don’t need to feel guilty about them. They need to find ways to take care of themselves while taking care to give their children what they need as well.

There is a temptation to avoid your kids and get lost in something else, but they can pick up on your avoidance of them and misunderstand it.

Invitation to Fives

Be sure that you carve out time to take care of yourself. Get alone when you need it so that you can be fully present and attentive to your children. Tap into your children’s fascination and wonder of the world by sharing your knowledge of it and building upon their natural curiosity. Teach them how to think critically and ask good questions.

Type Sixes

Children of Sixes can count on a Six’s loyalty, responsibility, and strong belief systems. They create and nurture safe environments for their children to grow up in.  Your nurturing care and attention will help your little ones feel safe and loved.

Sixes are no stranger to the fact that there are so many fears that come with raising a child. They run the risk of falling prey to their fears and anxieties and letting that rule their lives as parents. Sixes often become helicopter parents, hovering and over-protecting their children. Sixes may also have trouble trusting themselves and rely on all sorts of parenting books and outside advice. Because they often second-guess themselves, they can tend vacillate in their discipline and parenting decisions.

Invitation to Sixes

Learn the difference between anxiety and fear. Fear is based on an actual threat, while anxiety comes up at the potential for something going wrong. Find healthy coping mechanisms to deal with your anxiety like exercise or having a supportive friend to talk to. If it helps, go ahead and play out the worst-case scenario. You will often find that the worst-case scenario is not that bad after all or is so ridiculous that you can laugh at yourself instead and move on.

Realize that kids need the opportunity to make and learn from their mistakes. Resist the urge to always run to their rescue. Help them learn to think through problems and find the life lessons from their mistakes.

Learn to trust yourself and your parenting decisions. Try to stay consistent with your discipline so that your children can learn what to expect and feel safer. “Discipline is not disloyal, even if it feels like it.” (Levine)

Type Sevens

Sevens make fun parents. The house that all the kids tend to congregate after school is probably run by a Seven. There’s no getting bored when you’re with a Seven. Sevens support their children’s dreams and imaginations.

For Sevens, parenthood can be a kill-joy or it can be a new opportunity for an exciting adventure. It all depends on how they choose to look at it. Sevens face the temptation of trying to shield their kids from the sadness and pain of the real world since they don’t feel very comfortable with their own pain. Sevens can also easily overwhelm a sensitive or less-energetic child.

Invitation to Sevens

Channel your inner child and get on the floor and play, explore and take adventures with your children. Raising kids can be a lot of fun, but take care to not shy away from the bigger responsibilities of your role. Parenting places limits and constraints on time and options. Challenge yourself to find ways to make mundane parenting tasks interesting. Make parenting an adventure for yourself and your family. Support your kids’ dreams and imaginations. Also, notice when the urge to avoid pain comes up in you. Work on allowing yourself and your kids to experience painful emotions.

Type Eights

Eights can thrive in the role of parent as they grasp the opportunity to mold and shape a young impressionable life. Parenthood presents a challenge and Eights love a good challenge. Eight champion the growth and development of their children, empowering and motivating them.

However, Eights run the risk of becoming over-bearing to their children. Some children, particularly sensitive or emotional ones, may bristle under the weight of an Eight’s intensity and force. The vulnerability of a child can feel threatening to some Eights and may cause them to try to stomp this out in their children.

Invitation to Eights

Slow down and learn to see the value of the individuality and vulnerability of your children. This will not be easy, but learn to allow them to take the lead sometimes. Let them show you who they are and what they want to do. Also, if you do have a sensitive or emotional child to tone yourself down so as not to overwhelm them. Give them space to be themselves and to breathe. Be sure to check yourself from time to time that you aren’t being too rigid or controlling.

Type Nines

Nines make gentle, caring parents. They can merge with their children, for better or worse, knowing exactly what they need. They can be a strong, safe presence for them.

Nines though are particularly susceptible to losing their own sense of self in parenthood, especially during the all-consuming younger years. As children get older and test the limits, Nines’ aversion to conflict causes them to run the risk of being overly permissive with their kids.

Invitation to Nines

Nines need to make sure to hold onto things that help them feel like themselves. They need to ruthlessly carve out time for their own priorities and activities. Nines also need to learn to put their foot down and discipline their children when it is necessary so that they don’t create little tyrants ruling the roost of their home. This will require them to face some unwanted conflict, but in the long run will give them greater peace in their household. Don’t bury your anger, but learn to express it in healthy ways. Explosive anger is good for no one.

Why the Enneagram Matters for Moms

As we pay attention to what the Enneagram wants to show us, we can become better moms in the process. This is not accomplished by sheer will power, but by observing ourselves, getting to know the reasons behind the patterns in our lives, and graciously letting go of things we once clutched so tightly. When we see our limitations, needs and fears reflected in the Enneagram we will learn how to take better care of ourselves. This way we can be free to care for the needs of those around us in a way that is not hampered by our own unmet needs.

The Enneagram helps us mitigate the aspects of parenthood that are more difficult for us. It lets us know where we need to ask for help, or at least be more mindful of our weaknesses so that we can be aware of their effect on our families. The Enneagram helps us capitalize on our strengths and bring them to bear on our parenthood experiences. The Enneagram offers a path for growth so that we can parent from a place of healing and wholeness, rather in an automatic or reactive way.